Ghost of my Memories
by ItestedGarrus'Reach
Summary: Post MW2. Soap deals with the loss of his lover. First person. Ghost/Soap, shonen-ai. Rated T for language. Please review. un-beta'd


"**Ghost of my Memories"**

**A/N: **This is my first COD fanfiction. Also the very first one I do in first person. Please review.

_…dead…_

The only word I can think of at the moment. My body feels heavy. I can catch glimpses of my surroundings but I can't focus.

_…dead…_

All I can think about is him. I can feel Price and Nikolai dragging me to the helo. I can hear Nikolai say something about a safe place to hide.

_…dead…_

But I don't want to hide. I just want to be with him. I want all this to be a dream. I want to open my eyes and see him next to me. Feel his skin against my own. I want to savour his lips like I do before every mission.

_…dead…_

The darkness is taking over me. I take a deep breath and as I exhale I let myself slip into the silence. Maybe I'll see him there. Maybe…

The springs on the mattress are digging into my back. I have been lying here for days. I want to get up but the pain in my chest hinders my every movement. I can't stand it. The feel of sweat and dirt on my face, the smell of blood… It's all too familiar. But like before, I'll survive. Only this time he won't be there to rip on me for being careless. There will be no one to worry. No one to yell at me for smoking and drinking while I recover. I don't want to believe it. The pain in my chest is growing. I close my eyes and let myself slip into sleep once again.

It's been a month since that day. My wounds have nearly healed. I desperately need a bath. The dry blood still sticks to my skin. We don't even have the most basic commodities in this god forsaken piss hole. We haven't been able to leave the country. "Hiding in plain sight" Price says. We can't be seen or we'll be captured and tried for treason. TREASON! Bull fucking shit. This is all Shepherd's fault. If the world knew what that asshole had done they'd call us bloody heroes for killing him.

I slowly walked outside to stretch my legs. This place is so fucking small I'd walk around the room in four steps. It's hot. The sun stings my eyes and I bring a hand to my forehead in an attempt to block out the sun. The day I met him was similar to this.

I was a recruit to the 141 when the mysterious, masked man caught my attention. I'd heard rumors about why he wore that mask but I didn't really care. After that day I found myself thinking about him constantly. He was a very reserved man and mostly kept to himself. The rare conversations we had were always about missions. As I rose in ranks I found myself requesting him to be on my team. He was, after all, a bloody good soldier. I don't know what it was about him that brought confidence in me during battle. Maybe his blue eyes? I never really figured it out.

Nearly 4 years passed and I was promoted to Captain. I took charge of the 141 and my first official action was appointing the man everyone knew only as "Ghost" as my XO. He had managed to corrupt my mind not 5 minutes after I met him and I wanted him to always be by my side. It's weird. It started off with me missing him but it somehow evolved into me actually needing him to be there. If he wasn't I couldn't manage to concentrate. I'd second guess myself and made mistakes that could have gotten me killed. When I sighted an enemy through my scope my mind would drift and I'd wonder what he looked like under his mask. In the 4 years we'd been working together I hadn't seen him without it. Not once.

Then one day it happened. I was outside the bunk playing soccer with the guys on a makeshift field when I kicked the ball too far and landed a few feet from where Ghost was standing. He stood there staring at the ball as if trying to decide what to do with it. To my surprise he returned the ball and joined the game. I remember the fluidity of his movements. The grace in which he ran across the field with the ball was hypnotizing. One would doubt he was a battle hardened soldier if you didn't know it already. It somewhat irritated me that he was wearing that mask even when the sun was scorching hot.

We were all retreating to our bunks to clean up for lunch when I finally saw his face. He stood alone in the middle of the 'field' with his mask hanging from his hand. I don't know for how long I stared until he looked up and smiled. At that moment the world slowed down and everything and everyone else disappeared. A strange feeling came over me. It's as if he was standing there smiling only for me. I remember the golden shine of his hair and the sparkle of his blue eyes as the sun reflected off of him. And then I knew that he knew what I was feeling.

I smile weakly at this memory. I don't want to remember anymore. It only makes me angry. I could've prevented his death. If only I was stronger. If only I hadn't been afraid. I walk back inside the filthy room and look for the piss bucket. I'm going to kill someone if this living arrangement doesn't change soon.

As if the universe decided to take pity on us, Nikolai informed us he had secured a house outside the border toward Iran. We are being smuggled aboard a cattle transport truck. Sitting in cow shit for a few hours is the least of my worries. What I really need is running water. We load some munitions and hide them under the hay. If there's anything I've learned is that if something can go wrong it most likely will. Never hurts to be prepared.

I am surprised and a little disappointed we crossed the border without incident. I was really expecting to get shot. I have some issues I need to deal with and shooting usually helps me. We arrive at our destination and not a moment passes before I jump out of the cow shit and into the house in search of the holy grail. There it is! A stone basin with a rusty pipe leading to an even rustier shower nozzle.

The sound of the water and the clanking of the rusty pipes is sweet music to my ears. I jump out of my shoes and dip myself under the water not caring I'm still wearing the rest of my gear. I let the cool water run down my face and I can taste the sweat and dirt as it washes down. I start to peel the layers of soaked clothes off and I hear Price laughing outside.

"Take it easy, Soap! You don't want your wound to reopen!"

I honestly don't give a shit if it does. I could bleed to death right now but at least I'll be clean. I rub the grim off my torso and I notice the scar on my left side. I ghost my fingers over it. I don't exactly remember how I got it but I remember that that day was the day Ghost and I had our first real conversation. Well, sort of.

We had just gotten back from an extraction mission that hadn't gone so well. We retrieved some intel from an enemy convoy and I managed to get myself stabbed in part due to my clumsiness. Normally I don't make stupid mistakes like that but it was hard to concentrate when Ghost's perfectly round, toned arse was right in front of my face. When we got back to base he really let me have it. Normally a soldier would get disciplined for defying his CO but I knew why he was yelling at me. Ghost kept insisting I get my wound checked but me being the macho I am I just patched it up. He wasn't too happy about that especially when I ended up in bed rest with an infected wound and a fever. After that things just seemed to fall into place. I found myself staying up drinking and talking with Ghost about the most random shit. Lucky for me my bunk was separate from the rest and I didn't have to worry about the ruckus we made.

I feel myself getting hard. The fact that the bunk was separate definitely kept us out of trouble. I can recall the first time we kissed with perfect detail. It wasn't the most romantic thing but I'll never forget it. I had finally mustered up the courage to ask him why he always wore that mask. The look on his face terrified me at first. I couldn't help but feel respect for him when he finally told me the true reason. All that he went thru and he managed to stay strong. Any one else would've given up. I don't know what impulse me to raise my hand and touch his face but when he leaned into my touch I was glad I did. I stared into his blue eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Unspoken questions were answered in that moment. Maybe it was the lack of human contact that pushed me to lean in and place my lips on his. I was half expecting him to push me away but when he returned my kiss all the worries I felt melted away. From there it progressed into a battle for dominance and ended in a mass of sweaty, entangled limbs. I can still remember his scent. That subtle, musky cologne mixed with both our sweat.

I can't help but smile at the memory. Night after night he'd sneak into my bunk and we'd ravish each other until we couldn't move. We always knew that this could end at any given moment so we always made the most of it. Shit. Now that I think about it I guess it's over. The reality that I will never see him again hits me and I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach. I let out an angry howl and I punch the wall bruising my knuckles. I've never been one to let my emotions take over me but right now all I want to do is collapse on the floor and cry.

"This is war. Soldiers die." I tell myself in hopes the desperation I feel at the moment will go away. When it fails to numb my senses I drag myself to the bed. Maybe if I fall asleep all this shit will go away.

"_Why did you let me go?" _I'm dreaming about him. He's lying in a pool of blood looking up at me with such sorrow in his eyes. And then, he's gone, leaving me in the dark. When I finally find some light I look down and see my hands. They're covered in blood. HIS blood. If only I had said what he wanted. If I hadn't been so afraid. I could've saved his life.

It wasn't the first time he had said it. We were lying in bed at our temporary bunk waiting for Shepherd's orders. He always said it after we made love. Shit. We made love. It was never just fucking.

"I love you."

The phrase flowed out of him so naturally. Why couldn't I say it? It's not like I didn't love him. God knows I loved him more than life itself. I was just scared. I thought that if I said it, it would make everything go away. As if I were living in a dream and those three words were the secret phrase to send me back to reality. I always found it funny how I felt so much but I could never manage to say anything.

"Why is it so hard for you to say it? Are you telling me this means nothing to you?"

His words hurt me more than he knew. The look in his eyes tore me apart. All I could do was drop my head and stare at the floor. He stormed out of the room and I didn't see him until the next day during Shepherd's debriefing. I was shocked when he requested to storm Makarov's safe house with Roach. Then for a brief moment I was angry. We had agreed the previous day that we would go together. In my anger I announced that I'd be joining Price.

"I thought you were coming with me." I was angry and he knew it. He didn't even bother turning around. "Simon, please look at me…" He turned around and the expression on his face was haunting. I knew I hurt him.

"Just… leave. I think it's better this way. Maybe we should take this time to put our priorities in order." I felt my blood boil. I shouldn't have even been angry with him. It was my fault after all. I grabbed my gear and stormed off. Had I known that this was the last time I was going to see him I would have told him everything I felt. I would've told him that before I met him I was empty. That he brought color into my dull grey life. That he made me believe that what I was doing was worth it. How I wasn't afraid anymore because he believed in me. That every day with him brought me new surprises. That he was the one who taught me how to enjoy life. How he made me feel like I could take on the world. I would have told him that every day I woke up next to him I prayed that we could stay like that forever. How I always missed him when assignments took us to separate locations. I would have told him how much I loved the way his nose twitched and the way his toes curled when he came. That I loved the feel of his skin on my fingertips. How I loved the way he would pout when I beat him at poker. That he never drank out of the milk carton because it drove me mad and how he never complained when I farted under the sheets. But I'm never going to get to tell him these things. I wish I wouldn't have been afraid to say it. If I had he would know that I would never be able to go back to the time before us because when I looked into his eyes time stopped. He would know that in his arms I never felt lonely and that he was the reason I survived every mission. Now I'm lying here in bed wallowing in what if's and feeling sorry for myself. If only I had said it.

It's been several months since our escape from death and we have started planning on a way to bring Shepherd's treason to light. Price said something about history being written by the victor. Lucky for us the bastard was dead and we still had the chance to write our own history. I'm focusing all the anger I feel into this mission. Planning revenge is better than letting my weaker emotions take over. I don't want to remember my failures. Not now. Maybe that explains why I'm lying next to this whore. I need to get him out of my mind or we will fail.

The sun is setting and I turn to my side. I can still feel his caress and the warmth of his breath on my skin. As hard as I try there's no one who can make me forget his smile. I find myself loving him more everyday and every night I wish I could see him. But I know it's impossible. Every day that passes his absence kills a little piece of me and I lose faith in my existence. It makes me wonder if anything I did ever mattered. That's why I need to forget about him. I need to throw myself in the arms of another so that I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I don't need you to live. I need to erase you from my heart and remove your sweet taste from my lips. Shit. I need to stop missing you every night and accept that you're gone. It's useless though. Just as I think I have forgotten you I realize I love you. Fuck Riley, what did you do to me? I know everything that happened is my fault and bitching about it isn't going to bring you back. I can't stop myself from wishing that this was some fucked up dream caused by the desert heat. I keep telling myself that I'm okay. I wonder how long I can pretend that I believe that.

I take a deep breath and as I exhale I let the ghost of my memories fade into the silence. If there's any hope of our little black op to be successful I need to bleed my empty heart. I need to resign myself to the life we'll never have and let my heart die alone. All I can do now is take comfort in the reality that I'll see you again, maybe sooner than I think. For all it's worth, I love you Ghost.

…So what did you think? Please review. If you can identify the songs I used to inspire this I'll give you e-cookies and e-milk and a big e-hug.


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